Friday, 22 April 2011

Staunton Hill (2009)

Written by Axemaster on April 22 2011
Rating 3 out of 10

Director   -   Cameron Romero

Kathy Lamkin    -    Louise Staunton
Cristen Coppen  -    Jordan
Kiko Ellsworth   -   Boone
B. J. Hendricks  -    Buddy
David Rountree  -   Cole

  Hey there all you Dread Drinkers !! The Axemasters back in the dungeon tonight with another flick for you !!
WARNING !!! Sometimes being a reviewer of Fright Flicks isn't all Popcorn , terror and screaming in dimly lit screening rooms , running for the door because one more second of Horror with a capital "H" ( as you notice ) will make your eyeballs bleed and your bladder sqirt like a sprinkler system !!
 Nope !
Sometimes , .... its like ...... Staunton Hill .
 Yup ......... here's the story line in a nut shell .
Its 1969 , (this is supposed to make the film scarier , more classic perhaps !) and Jordan and 4 friends are thumbing it to D.C. for the next big protest rally . They meet up with Quintin (Charlie Bodin) at a gas station / junkyard , that looks like it could be run by Leatherfaces uncle (notice the chainsaw reference hint , hint ! ) . Quintin , a seemingly nice guy , offers them a ride , saying he too is heading for the next big protest and our hapless gang of happy hippies hurry headlong into horror !! (ha ha sorry , gotta bust a rhyme to make remembering this less painful!) Well Quintons truck breaks down (didn't see that coming)

in the middle of nowhere ! (of course) The gang then decide to hike through the woods near dark to get help , and end up stumbling upon (drum roll please !) a creepy farm in the woods !!!!  No , I'm serious !!
Really , they do !! And they get to the farm and use the phone to call a tow truck . The End .......... unfortunately for yours truly , and anyone else who watched this film , thats not what happened .
I'm not dressed for company !!
 At the farm the hippies sleep for a night in the stalls of the barn , because the place seems deserted . In the morning however , they meet , Buddy Staunton . Buddy is a hulking slightly mentally handicapped , facially scarred Weirdo , who mumbles incoherently about his "Mama" and plays with old dolls in the slaughter house behind the barn that our hippies are sleeping in . No , I'm not making this up , its true . So Leatherface .. er Ahh ! I mean Buddy , gets in trouble from his Mama (who seems just as sweet as pie ) for breaking one of the hippies noses with a shovel ! (Whoa ! Peace man Peace !!)
  All is not as it seems at this ideal country spa however and soon , alas our innocent bright eyed granola eaters , the next demonstration to save the future so tantalizingly close , begin to realize , the Stauntons , have no Love in their hearts !!
Cam Romero can't seem to "get a leg up" with this flick !
  Director Cameron Romero , (yes thats Romero , and yes he is Goerge A.'s son ! ) couldn't have strung together a more predictable , transparent , over done plot if he tried . I mean JESUS CHRIST !! Your Fricken George A " The Godfather of The Dead" Romeros Kid !! Call pop for some pointers if you're having some writers block !!
 Okay ! Okay .... sorry . Got a bit carried away there !! But my old pal Happywax and I watched this flick with high hopes , based solely on lineage of directors here . The film has some good gore scenes , but its tired stuff . As I've said in the past ...... it is a daunting task to come up with original horror flicks and I haven't done so myself , I only review them . So I wish Cam all the best for his next project .(and no hard feelings if you happen to read this !!) Rest assured , I shall watch his next film with open mind and bated breath , ready to Scream into the darkness of the night at a moments notice !!
 Well Fright Fans , until we meet in the gloom again ......Remember .........

         If you're going to D.C. for the next big rally ...............Take the Greyhound !! 

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