Friday, 29 April 2011

I Sell the Dead

Written by Happywax on April 29 2011
Rating   7 out of 10
Director  -  Glenn McQuaid

Dominic Monaghan -   Arthur Blake
Ron Perlman           -   Father Duffy
Larry Fessenden     -   Willie Grimes
Angus Scrimm        - Dr. Vernon Quint

Welcome back all you Fright Freaks, Happys got a diamond in the ruff for ya with this little number.
 When people harp on about how "they don't make 'em like they used to" then just point them towards this fantastically entertaining, and quaint-looking, comedy horror from writer-director Glenn McQuaid.

It's a tale of graverobbers (played by Dominic Monaghan and Larry Fessenden) who end up digging up more than just silent, immobile corpses. After the initial shock of this they soon realise that they can actually turn the situation to their advantage. And that's just what they try to do. Mind you, it seems as if things may not have worked out quite as they planned as poor young Arthur (Monaghan) is actually relating his tale to a priest (Ron Perlman) before being taken to the gallows.

Looking at the detail of his filmography, McQuaid seems to have taken the core of his first, short movie and expanded it to this feature effort, which is no bad thing. Fessenden returns and does well, Monaghan is one of those guys who can actually still get you to like him while he goes about the nefarious business of stealing from the dead and with other genre favourites such as Perlman and Angus Scrimm on the scene this film is a lot of fun for genre fans.

It also benefits from a unique and favourable design and look, at times moving from E.C. Comic-style panels into live action (a la Creepshow) and always somehow feeling quite authentic in it's Hammer Horror feel. Maybe everything is just covered over with so much dry ice but that's beside the point. Whatever was done to capture everything on film, it works. It works well.

It may not have any actual scares but this film does have a great vein of black humour and definitely soaks every minute of it's runtime in macabre material that should please all of those who have the patience for horror that's a little bit more sedate and feels like it definitely could have been made back in the days of Hammer. I highly recomend this movie as a must watch saterday afternoon movie, kinda like back in the days of Super Host, If your as old as me and the Axemaster you know who I'm talking about, anyways have fun with this one , and make sure you check out the trailer below.

The Descent part 2 (2007)

Written by Axemaster on April 29 2011
Rating 6.5 out of 10

Director   -   Jon Harris

Shauna Macdonald          -   Sarah
Natalie Jackson Mendoza -  Juno
Douglas Hodge                - Dan
Josh Dallas                     - Greg
Anna Skellern              -  Cath
Krysten Cummings    -  Ellen Rios

    Howdy !! Horror Hounds !! Axemasters back in the dungeon (boy its creepy down here ! Rather CAVE like really !! ) with another "Cavernous Cavalcade of Carnivorous Crazies" for you in ............ The Descent Part 2 !! Yes the terror continues under the Appalachians in the darkness ! here's the story line , in a nutshell .....................

"You mean , we can't call long distance from down here !!?"
The tale begins only two days after the original Descent took place with our old pal Sarah being picked up by an old cracker with a pickup on a empty mountain road . (she looks deranged and demented and is still covered in blood from her ordeal !)
  Cut to a news broadcast talking about the search for a bunch of missing Spelunkers . It appears that Juno's father is a politician , and they're looking to find out what happened to her , and the rest of the gang ! Now , if you've seen The Descent 1 , then you know that Juno misled her caving companions about which cave system they were in , taking them into an entirely uncharted one . So , our team of rescuers , Dan , greg , and Cath , are looking in the wrong cave !! (Lucky for them ! ) As the worn out crew of rescuers take a break after having no luck , Sherif Vaines (played asshole-ishly well by Gaven O'herlihy !) gets the news that Sarah has popped up half way across the county ! He keeps it hush hush to avoid a Media feeding frenzy , and heads to the Hospital to question Sarah .
  Once Vaines gets to the Hospital , he and officer Ellen Rios , quickly begin to feel that Sarah is hiding the truth about what happened down in the caverns . She can't remember the last two days , but Vaines (no doubt fueled by the best donuts and coffee in the Appalachians !!) sees her as the villain in the unfolding saga of the missing cave girls !
"Dam Lumbago is acting up again !!"
  Meanwhile , the old Cracker with the pickup , has taken his dogs and another of the Appalachians finest into the woods where Sarah was found wandering ! Cracker and the Copper , track her trail back to a desolate old mine in the middle of nowhere ! (bbrrrr ! Creepy !) They call vaines and within the hour , he has the rescue team brought out to search the right cave !(NOT so lucky for them !!) Now Vaines , in his great wisdom , decides that the best guide to take down to the scene of the crime would be (Drum Roll Please !) , yup ! You guessed it ! Sarah ! He drags her along and forces her to go back underground ! ( Hhmmm , Innocent until proven guilty ?? Apparently Not !)
  Once under ground , the rescue team begins to find out what really happened to the gang from Descent 1 ! Vaines of course holds onto his suspect as long as he can ! Sarah adapts to the gloom of the cave rather well and even gets a visit from an old friend down in the dark !! (No I won't tell you I won't I won't !! )
"I said Medium Rare !!Dam It !"
   Director Jon Harris (Snatch , 127 Hours , Kick Ass) does a pretty good job with The descent Part 2 . However , it does suffer a bit from Sequal-itus ! Lets see how many people we can fit into the dark . (served up as creature smorgasbord !) The creatures in this one , look a bit more done up , make up wise . In the original , they were simply repulsive maggot Men (and Women ) ! Here they look more gothic gargoyle like . And of course there is the inevitable setup for part 3 . (hopefully they leave on a high note !)
   All in all though , I found it entertaining , with enough jumps and scares to chuckle at , and the Gore was abundant and well done . Its always hard to come up with part 2 of any flick , so I think we should be happy with this one .

   But as always , Terror Trolls ! I leave the final decision in you hands !

    So ..........Grab some popcorn , and a flash light ........... and delve into the deeper ..........Darker parts of our world ...................!!
                                               Give us a call when you get back ! ,....... Or should I say ............. 
                                                             If ... You ....Get ...Back !!

Wednesday, 27 April 2011

The Descent

Written by Axemaster on April 27 2011
Rating 8.5 out of 10

Director   -   Neil Marshall

Shauna Macdonald         -         Sarah
Natalie Jackson Mendoza  -       Juno
Alex Reid                         -       Beth
Saskia Mulder                -        Rebecca
Myanna Buring            -         Sam

                  Hello ...ello.......ello...........ello ..............????
 Is there anybody in here !??........ ere............ere................ere............. !???
Man ! Is it Dark in this Cave !!! .....ave ....ave .......ave !!1
 Okay ! Okay , Sorry !! I'll turned off the Echo machine !! There ! Good to go !

" I told you guys to clean the hot tub dam it !!"
   Alright there all you Fans of Furious Fright !! Axemaster has "descended" (ha ha !) back into the dungeon with another terror treasure for you ! The Descent !  This is one you won't want to miss !
Here's the story in a nutshell ..............

   The tale centers around three friends , Sarah , Juno and Beth (the main chicks of the story really ) .
These Girls are adventure junkies to the Max ! Open on a white water rafting scene . The girls take on some killer rapids . Afterwards , they pack up and head off in separate cars with plans of meeting up at the hotel later . Sarah is driving along with her husband when they get into a car accident ! (pipe through the head for old hubby ! Ooooo messy ! ) Sarah's world is shattered as all she loves is taken from her .
"This was Sooo much easier when I was a size 6 !!"
  Fast forward one year . Its time for (lets see how we can risk death or disfigurement this time !!) the yearly adventure outing . Juno has convinced Beth and Sarah , who is still recovering emotionally , to come along for a bit of relaxing (FFffffahhh!!! BBbbrrrrrrrr !!! ) caving in the Appalachian Mountains ! (Home of many mix breed demented mutated hillbillies of course !) They are joined by three other friends . (Hhmm , body count fodder perhaps !!??? I'll never tell !!) Of course this is all taking place in the back woods , miles from anywhere ! Perfect of course ! The girls are busy studying the guide book for the cave system they'll be visiting , while having a good old piss up , night before cave party !
  In the morning Juno gets them all up bright and early , and off they go to the deep ! They hike up to the cave system , passing some dead deer , strangely chewed ( Double Hhmmm!) along the way . At the cave , our unsuspecting Adrenalin Freaks Gear up and repel down into the Dark ! (Gulp !) For a while everything moves along fine . Creepy Cavern unfolding before them silent and calm . Everyones keeping an eye on Sarah , being in a delicate mental state (great time for a cave trip !! Duh !) They reach a point in the tunnels where , in order to proceed , they have to wriggle through a tiny , narrow crack ( Double and triple Gulp !!) and everyone goes through , No Probs ! Everyone that is , but Sarah , She has a panic attack and gets stuck ! Beth comes back for her and just as she's talking her through , the roof of this stone casket starts to collapse !! They make it into the next chamber , but the way out is sealed !!
"Come on the fuse box is over in the corner !!"
  They talk about the situation , and of course being experienced adventure folks , they left details of where they were and what they were doing with others ! .......... Except , this is when Juno comes clean , and lets on that they are in an uncharted , unexplored system of Caves !! ( Jackass !!!) naturally the girls are pissed with her for being a dumb ass !! ( as I was in my theatre seat , spilling my popcorn in near panic myself Fright fans !!) Anyway , Juno convinces the gang , that the only way out , is to go deeper into the gloom , and find the Exit sign above the trap door back to the light !! As the group argues , Sarah slips away from them , because , she ...... hears    .. a  ....   Sound  . ! Is that water softly splishing ...... a tiny splash there .... splish splash ........... something taking a bath !!!???????????? Then , as she cranes her neck around to see the whole of the cavern they're standing in , her headlamp slides past ........ What Was That !!????  No It .... It Couldn't Be !! Was it ... Was It..... White .... Was It ...... Was It !!!????????
   Sarah hurries back to the Gang , and says " I saw someone !!"  They think old Sarah's had one to many adventure holidays and ignore her !    They Should Have Listened !!!!!!!
"You never know who you'll meet at these raves !"

  Director Neil Marshall likes his horror , gritty and full of tension (Dog Soldiers ) and if not tension , then Gore with a capital "G" ! (Doomsday !) . With The Descent , he gets everything rolled into one package ! tension , Gore , Grittiness , along with a good story of how people react under pressure ! And what friendship means , when the chips are down ! Of course he cleverly uses the primal fears we all have of , the dark !(Yes old Axemaster still sleeps with the light on !! I Can;t Help It !!) and claustrophobia to set the mood for the flick ! Then add in some unwanted visitors in that Darkness ..... Bbbrerr !! Its good ! Its frightfully good !
   But don't let me sway your opinion ! As always , I'm just here to review ! You decide , Faithful Screamophiles !!
                                     Until we meet here in the Dankness again .....
        and Remember ...... if your friend wants you to go on a caving trip ........ Punch him in the face and play Xbox instead !! 


Zombie map - Call of the Dead - Call of Duty Black Ops

Hey there all you video horror geeks ( that includes me, your old pal happy), Finally the trailer is here for Call of Dutys - Call Of The Dead-  and check this out, theres 4 new characters , Danny Trejo ( Machette), Sarah Michelle Gellar (Buffy the Vampire Slayer), Robert Englund (Freddy Kruger) and Michael Rooker( The Walking Dead & Slither), BUT best of all the god father of zombie movies GEORGE A ROMERO is also included in this map, ARE you frigging kidding me , this is awsome.

 God bless you Activsion and Treyarch, for switching the zombies maps cast and adding this AWSOME list of new characters, I`ve got goose bumps on top of goose bump.

             MAY 3RD  is the release date for this map of awsomeness, and I`ll have a full review posted here shortly after. Their keeping the story line pretty hush hush but that just adds to the excitment. Oh and by the way you have Happys permission to call in sick to school or work that day..    Make sure you check out the trailer below and if you want to add your ol pal on your friends list on Xbox send it to happywax, Hope to play with you soon.

Tuesday, 26 April 2011

Happys Horror shorts

Hey Girls and Gouls, its time for another one of my favourite short horror films, I just love that annoying orange, and this time around ive picked a little fruity fright called FrankenFruit!!!!!! MMMUUUHHHAAAHHHAAA !!!!  Did I scare you...... are you trembling in your shoes...... or maybe  your even afrraid to open the fridge door now?????...
You'll never look at fruit salad the same again after this one !!!!

Trick r Treat (2007)

 Written by Happywax on April 25 2011
 Rating  8 1/2  out of 10

 Director   -   Michael Dougherty

 Dylan Baker           -   Steven
 Rochelle Aytes       -   Maria
 Quinn Lord             -   Sam/ Peeping Tommy
 Lauren Lee Smith   -   Danielle
 Brett Kelly             -   Charlie

Hey all you Halloween Horror Freaks old Happy's in the Dungeon tonight with a little Halloween treat for ya, I know its only April but its never to earliy to be thinking about Halloween or all the great movies that go along with it.  
 Writer/director Michael Dougherty obviously knows and loves his anthologies...everything from the classic CREEPSHOW to the Hammer Studios greatest hits of yore like TALES FROM THE CRYPT and ASYLUM. There isn't any particular tale in his film that I could call strikingly original, but it's been one helluva long time since I've seen a film more stylishly or even-handedly presented.

Weaving together about a half-dozen interlocking stories, rather than doing each as a stand-alone tale as in George Romero's cult hit, TRICK 'R' TREAT employs everything eerie, unsettling and ghoulishly fun about the holiday to explore the classic campfire tropes that everybody knows and loves, but this time with plenty of fatalism mixed with liberal doses of good, hearty black humor.

The lone virgin in a group of her costumed girlfriends is stalked by a shadowy figure; a small-town principal moonlights as a serial killer, who treats himself to more than a few gory tricks at his victims' expense; a group of teenagers single out one of their peers for a Halloween Night prank that goes wrong in a way they could've never imagined; the neighborhoods Old fart who is basically the "Ebenezer Scrooge" of All Hallows' Eve, gets his comeuppance when his secret past comes to call, and a couple of partygoers find out the hard way why you should NEVER, EVER blow out your Jack O' Lantern early on Halloween Night.

Featuring a cast of actors who either weren't big names when they did this, or recognizable character actors who are known for their great performances, the lineup includes TRUE BLOOD'S Anna Paquin, BSG's Tahmoh Penikett, CSI's Lauren Lee Smith, Dylan Baker and Brian Cox, who gives a well-done performance as the grizzled "mean old man", that CREEPSHOW'S late, great E.G. Marshall could appreciate.

Co-produced by Bryan Singer under his Bad Hat Harry Films banner, it's obvious from the production values that Dougherty was given plenty of resources to go out and make the film he wanted,  and i think he did a pretty good job of it too, but its puzzling as to why warner bros never released this movie into the theaters, especially with all the crap that has come out over the last couple of years, it would have been a TREAT to see this gem on the big screen.

However, it's a fortunate thing that the DVD format allows films like this to find an audience, rather than slipping unnoticed into a dusty archive somewhere, never to see the light of day. Kudos to Mr. Dougherty and his cast and crew for putting together what deserves to become a Halloween staple. For my part, it's going on my library shelf right between perennial favorites CREEPSHOW and TWILIGHT ZONE THE MOVIE, and if your like OL Happy you'll pull this movie out every October and give it a watch or two, this one is definatly not to be missed, Make sure you check out the trailer below.

Monday, 25 April 2011

Dark Floors (2008) Finland

Written by Axemaster April 25 2011
Rating 6 out of 10

Director   -   Pete Riski

Noah Huntley        -   Ben
Dominique Mcelligott - Emily
Skye Bennett        - Sarah
William Hope      - Jon
Leon Herbert      - Rick
Ronald Pickup   -  Tobias

   Hello again Hounds of Horror ! Axemaster here in the Dungeon this fine morning with another terror treat for you ! Dark Floors ! Hooo !!
This is a pretty cool flick out of Finland , thats worth a peek on a dark dreary evening ! Heres the story in a nut shell .....................

"Eeeeww ! Creepy girls have the right of way !"
  Sarah , is autistic and is in a creepy hospital for a brain scan . Ben , her dad is tired of all the tests that seem to show no results and when the machine shes in blows a fuse , he pulls her out with the intension of taking her home ! Emily is the hot nurse who clings longly to the science of the hallowed halls of medicine and tries to convince Ben , that Sarah is best off in the hospital (death central ... bbrrrr !!) . Sarah (a.k.a. creepy mumbling kid in wheelchair !) likes to draw eerie pictures , with half seen beings lurking in swirls of black crayon ! (great !) as the three are walking toward the elevator , Ben intending to leave with his creepy kid , Emily begging him to reconsider , they are joined by three more !(for higher body counts of course !! ) Rick , the heroic security guard . Tobias , the local wino in for treatment (who seems just as eerie as old Sarah there !!) And Jon . Jon's the guy you hope will be decapitated with a teaspoon as soon as possible !! You know horror fans , the business guy with the attitude that , he is the universe !
"Come on guys ! I was just ribbing ya !!"
  Our six characters watch the elevator doors slide closed and then , the world tilts on its ear !! The elevator stops between floors ( this is when Tobias says rather eerily , "not 6 not 7 , not hell not heaven ! Bbrrr!) for a few minutes and when they get the doors open on floor 6 , the place seems deserted . The gang then sets off to find a way out of Eerie General before its too late ! They encounter stranger and stranger scene's out a nightmare (Two guesses who's nightmare ....... if you guesses creepy mumbly girl YOU WIN A STUFFED ZOMBIE !! Yeeaaahhh !! ) . As the gang descend to different floors (dark ones for sure !) , the hospital looks like it has gone through a war or a zombie invasion , or a sock hop from hell or something !! Ben must make the decision to stick by his daughter , or turn tail and RUN ! Will our Heros ever see day light again !??? You'll have to watch the flick to find out ! Nope I won't tell you ! Nope I won't !! HA ha !
"Let me out ! She's Sooo Creepy!"
  Now I've seen better films than Dark Floors , but believe you me ! I've seen far worse ! (Ghost Lake and The Fog remake come immediately to mind , but I'll get to those later , when I can stand the mental anguish !) What I like about this flick is that it has a bit of everything . Ghosts ! Zombies ! Deserted creepy hospital scenes ! Demons ! What is odd about it is how it ends . Puzzling for me , and I'll have to re-watch this one to see if I can figure it out !  Maybe YOU , Faithful Fright Fiends , can help me out with it . Drop me a line down here in the Dungeon !

   Well ....... Until we meet again , in the Murkier places .....................
                                         remember ........... if you've got to go to the hospital ...... get a room on the ground floor !!! 

Sunday, 24 April 2011

Audie And The Wolf (2008)

Written by Axemaster April 24 2011
Rating 9 out of 10

Director   -   B. Scott O'malley

Derek Hughes    -    John Doe
Tara Price          -     Audie Bantam
Christa Campbell -  Rachel Brock
Rance Howard    -   Dr. Maleosis
Richard Riehle    -   Micheal Ludlow

   Hey there all you Horror Comedy Crazies !! Axemasters back in the dungeon with a real Screamer for you ! Audie and the Wolf ! I laughed ! I Screamed ! This one got my funny bone working . Now you have to have a Very Desensitized and Morbid sense of humor , to appreciate Audie and the Wolf (or any real sick gore filled comedies !) , and thats me and my old pal Happywax to a tee !  Here's the story line in a nut shell................
"Come on guys ! Have a heart !!"

  The story starts with a native American terrorist and his wolf
hanging out in their hideout ! Del Bearstride (Atticus Todd) is making a bomb ! His compound gets busted and he tells his wolf pal to run for it and "remember , avoid people during the full moon ! Stay in the trees !" . The wolf Hightails it out of there and Del gets blown away in a fire fight . The wolf is all on his own .
  Cut to a ritzy Hollywood party and Rachel a hot young starlet pounding back the martinis ! She heads home (with one for the road Linsey Lohan style !) and hits what she thinks is a dog ! Yup , you guessed it ..... our old pal and Del's .. The Wolf ! Rachel takes the "dog" home and feeds him and leaves him tied up in the yard . That night however , its full moon time , and low and behold a reversal of the typical Werewolve tale ..... Wolf turns into ...... Man !! Man awakes naked on Rachel's bedroom floor , with poor Rachel savaged on the bed ! Man discovers that he has an insatiable apatite for "Meat" (with a capital "M" for sure !) and everyone he sees , is free game !
"I sure hope this scene won't be "Cut" !!"
  In an attempt to act more like a man ( and not eat anyone !) , he calls two local odd job working sisters .      Enter Audie . Man calls Audie and asks her to deliver 'Meat" ! Audie does and he eats it raw ! She asks his name and he tells her he can't remember , and that he has amnesia ! Thus Audie dubs him ... John Doe ! Despite his questionable mental state and unseemly manners when eating raw meat , Audie falls for john ! (hey its California ! Anything goes down there !! )  Meanwhile , Johns victims are in Rachel's basement , and they're .. well they're complaining , because they're undead ! (ala American Werewolf in London ) !
"Anybody have a sucrets !"
   The Mayhem continues throughout this zany farce and I felt that Director B. Scot O'malley did a great job with this flick ! The gore is great and constant , and Derek Hughes (who plays John ) is hilarious as he brings the animal into his role ! The flick didn't get the greatest reviews elsewhere , however ... it is the opinion of my old pal Happywax and myself , that a lot of horror comedies aren't received well , because people just don't get them . Like I said , you need to be a sick bastard to laugh out loud as someone gets their head lopped off in a Chainsaw vs. Whipper snipper  fight ! (Yes thats chainsaw vs. whipper snipper folks ! it must be seen to be believed !! ) I also liked the twist of the wolf to man change . Something different for once !
  Anyway , as always Glorious Gore Geeks ! I leave the final decision up to you . I know you'll have an open mind , and a keen sense of morbid curiosity !
   Now if you'll excuse me........................................ I've got to make some silver bullets ....... full moons coming don't cha know !?

Le Horde (2009)

 Written by Happywax on April 24 2011
 Rating  8 1/2 out of 10

 Directors  - Yannick Dahan
                     Benjamin Rocher

 Claude Perron           -   Aurore
 Jean-Pierre Martins   -  Quessen
 Eriq Ebouaney           -   Adewale
 Aurelien Recoing       -   Jimenez                                          

                                      The French have been enjoying something of a horror renaissance in recent years, giving us some of the scariest and bloodiest movies that the genre has had to offer; La Horde, an apocalyptic zombie movie in the vein of Zack Snyder's Dawn Of The Dead and Danny Boyle's 28 Days Later, continues this trend, being a hugely entertaining Gallic gore-fest packed with superbly executed edge-of-the-seat horror action.

The film sees a team of vigilante cops break into a dilapidated tower block in order to exact justice on the gangsters responsible for the death of one of their colleagues; the vicious criminals turn the tables on the lawmen, however, but before they can carry out the execution of their prisoners, an outbreak of the undead forces a change of plan: the bad guys must reluctantly team up with the cops if they stand any chance of escaping from the zombie infested building alive.

Although the whole zombie siege schtick has been done to death since Romero's Night of the Living Dead way back in '68, directors Yannick Dahan and Benjamin Rocher attack their oft-told tale with so much vigour that this fact is easily forgiven. The spot-on direction, excellent decayed urban setting, gloriously splattery effects (enhanced by carefully considered use of CGI), and a whole lot of extreme fire-power combine to deliver a non-stop roller-coaster ride of splendidly gory action, whilst well drawn characters with emotional depth serve to enrich the film's basic set-up.

With several brutal fist-fights between the living and the hideous screeching zombies, a thrilling, bullet riddled, blood drenched last half hour and a satisfyingly bleak, but perfectly fitting ending, La Horde is not only one of the most enjoyable of the new-wave of French horror films, but also one of the most kick-ass zombie films ever. This one is definatly on Happys must-see movie list, and i'm pretty sure me and the Axemaster havent let you down yet. Make sure you check out the trailer below


Abominable (2006)

2Written by Happywax on April 23 2011
 Rating  6 1/2  out of 10

 Director   -   Ryan schifrin

  Matt McCoy            -   Preston
 Jeffery Combs          -   Clerks
 Lance Hendrickson   -   Ziegler Dane
 Micheal Deak           -   The Monster
 Christien Tinsley       -   Otis Wilhelm
 Haley joel                 -   Amanda

 Wheel-chair bound cripple, Preston Rogers(Matt McCoy), still recovering psychologically from a tragic fall from nearby Suicide Rock which took the life of his wife, finds himself in quite the dilemma. Despite his wishes against returning to the cabin he shared with his wife, both rock-climbing experts who scaled Suicide Rock often, Preston is forced, thanks to his doctor who has assigned a smart-ass orderly Otis(Christien Tinsley, who imbues his character with a smarmy attitude)over his care, to confront what ails him. Instead, Preston helplessly watches as the rotund furry beast attacks a female group gathering together, across the way in another cabin, for a bachelorette party. Attempts at getting the police(..and Otis) to help fails because no one believes such a wild story as a Sasquatch on a violent rampage. Somehow, Preston will have to take matters into his own hands..but, how can he? And, what if the Sasquatch comes after him? How will he defend himself when he's limited by his disability? And, how can a wheel-chair bound cripple ever help others in need?

REAR WINDOW is mined yet again for inspiration, but I felt the story-line was effective..I thought there were some suspenseful moments thanks to the benefits of having a crippled hero, limited in ways he can help those in trouble due to his lack of mobility. Through Preston, we're helpless on-lookers towards those who are assaulted by the Sasquatch. The unrealistic Sasquatch, which looks like a costumed beast, can either be a liability or a gas depending on your mood. There's a sense of fun at work here if you can look past the limited resources director Ryan Schifrin has..he delivers an entertaining little creature feature with plenty of gory carnage to satisfy gore-hounds. One victim's body is pulled through a small window, from the waste snapping her frame in two. One female victim is crushed under-foot by the Sasquatch. Another's face is completely eaten off. You get to see Tiffany Shepis completely nude, taking a shower. Recognizable faces, in small roles, populate the film such as the late Paul Gleason(THE BREAKFAST CLUB)as an ornery sheriff, Jeffrey Combs as a chain-smoking gas station employee with tubes feeding him oxygen from a can(..quite scraggly under frizzled hair, dirty cap and grubby beard), Dee Wallace Stone as a terrified wife who accompanies her husband outside finding their horses ripped apart, and Lance Henriksen as a cynical hunter who "just wants to kill something"(..he supplies a very funny "Darwin's awards"monologue). 
 Considering this movie was made for the sci-fi channel it really is worth a
watch, ( If you've watched other sci-fi channel movies you know just how
bad they an be) , but your old pal Happy has a fondness for any movie with bigfoot in it and this one is certainly near the top of the list. 

Saturday, 23 April 2011

Near Dark (1987)

Written by Axemaster April 23 2011
Rating 8 out of 10

Director   -    Kathryn Bigelow

Adrian Pasdar      -      Caleb Colton
Jenny Wright       -       Mae
Lance Henriksen  -      Jesse Hooker
Bill Paxton           -      Severen
Jenette Goldstein  -     Diamondback

  Hey there all you Voracious Vampire Veterans !!
Axemasters back in the dungeon with an Oldie thats a bit Moldy , but its Still a Goldie !!!! The Blood sucking classic ..........Near Dark !! Bbrrrrr !
 Heres the story line in a nut shell ...............

"Jesus ! This fricken razor burn is killing me !"
Good old boy Caleb colton is out on the town for a night of fun ! He's styling Oklahoma like in a leather jacket , cowboy boots and a killer cowboy hat ! The pickup is vintage (and has a heater !! Bonus !) and he's off ! (to the rodeo ! okay no ! ) He heads into town and chats with a couple of his "Posse" (Nyuk Nyuk !) and then he sees an angelic vision with blond hair and green eyes . Mae . Caleb proceeds to throw the moves on Mae (everything short of the lasso !) in hopes of picking her up and riding off into the sunset . But over the next couple nights of courtship , Caleb discovers that its been a long while since Mae has seen the sun , setting or other wise !! Now Mae has been holding off on giving Caleb the bite , because she really likes him , but in a weak moment , she nibbles his neck , juuust a tiny bit ! But thats all it takes for Caleb to start finding it very warm in day light ! Enter the rest of Mae's group of traveling blood suckers ! Led by Jesse Hooker and Severen , two mean ass Vampires who enjoy slaughter and mayhem all over the country side ! Caleb is taken along for the ride from his homestead , and his father sees the abduction and puts out an APB on his son . When that fails he heads out himself looking for his......... "lost boy" ! ( ha ha ah ha )
"I'm on fire for you Woman !!"
"should have used the 60 sunblock dam it !!"
     Anyway , life as a fiendish bloodsucking ghoul just isn't Calebs thing , as he just can't bring himself to harm any of his intended victims . This puts him on the outs with Jesse and Severen , and even though he has a hankering in his heart for Mae greater than any cowpoke ever hankered for a T bone , he tries to hold on to who he was !
  Director Kathryn Bigelow( Hurt Locker , Point Break) does a good job of bringing a sense of desperation into the lives (or unlives!) of the vamps in this flick . Also interesting to note , is that the Vampires in Near Dark look just like you and I ! No makeup or pointy teeth ! No bat like features . Which is more unsettling if you think about it , as they fit right in and won't stand out in a crowd ! (unless they decide to sunbathe at the beach that is !) The film did pretty well back in the day , but was definitely overshadowed at the box office by the other Vamp flick of 1987 ... The Lost Boys .
   However , this is still a great old movie to watch . (even with Bill Paxtons acting !!)

So , remember fright fans ...... The Undead know no bounds in the distance they will travel .... to make tasty Meat snacks out of all of us !!  
                                                        And we Must , AT ALL TIMES !! Remain Vigilant ...... To avoid being smothered in HP sauce !! 
                                                Until your morbid curiosity bring you to the Dungeon again ..........
                                                                  Axemaster Signing off !

Scream 4 (2011)

Written by Axemaster & Happywax April 23 2011
Rating 2 out of 10 (we don't know who gave this film a 7.5 on I.M.D.B. but they should be flogged an fired !)

Director   -   Wes Craven

Neve Cambell      -      Sydney Prescott
David Arquette     -      Dewey Riley
Corntney Cox      -      Gale Weathers-Riley
Hayden Penettiere  -   Kirby Reed
Emma Roberts      -     Jill Roberts

 Hey there all you Scare Freaks ! Axemaster and Happywax in the dungeon tonight to bring you this emergency Flick review !! This is serious folks ! Your 14 bucks and some of your I.Q. is at stake here !!! Yes , it would appear that after seeing this retched piece of cinematic toilet paper , the only thing worth Screaming about is the fact that Neve Cambell chose this flick to come out of retirement for , and Wes Craven (master of Horror !!??) hasn't gone into retirement Yet !!!
 Heres what story there is , in a nut shell ...............
Okay , so , if you've seen 1, 2 , & 3 , there you have it !! If ever there was a film that had nothing at all new to offer , HERE IT IS !!!!  Okay , okay .... our job is to review(even if our eyes bleed !) , so here we go !!
Oh my god ! Here comes Wes ! Iv'e got to get out of this movie !! 
If Wes hits me up for #5 he's gonna get it !! 
   Sydney Prescott has returned home to Woodsburough , as a successful writer (of a story about her horrible past ) . She no longer feels like a victim (as you will when the credits roll !) and plans a new start . Mean  while Gale Weathers Riley and Dewey Riley (now the sheriff ) are going through some rough times . Gale feels like all the excitement has gone out of life . The story also revolves around the lives of a new generation of teens who revel in Woodsburoughs sinister past , and mock the "Ghost Face " killer at parties . (Enter the new crop of Hollywood stars and starlets , too numerous to mention here , but Hayden Penettiere and Emma Roberts are two of them ) It doesn't take long after Sydney returns for the killings to start again . Of course theories abound as to who will die and who will live (Yawn , Double and triple Yawn ) and the madcap mayhem ensues ! If you take your 2 year old to see the flick , they will be able to predict what will happen for you !!
"No Wes Please Make this Stop !!"
   Wes Craven .............. this man has been called a "Master of Horror " . In the 70's and 80's , this was probably correct . However , these days , if you are all out of ideas , and this is the best you can do , its time to pack it up and move to an Island far from any movie cameras !! This may seem harsh to some of you , dear Horror hounds , but maybe you didn't catch Wes's last flick , My Soul To Take ! And if you haven't , don't bother as it rates about the same as this crap !

      This concludes our Emergency broadcast live from Doomgoryums Dungeons ! All our lines are open for those of you who were unfortunate enough to have been to see this film and our Therapists are standing by to talk to you about your pain !!!

  Until we meet again ......  ..............In The Darkness  !!

Friday, 22 April 2011

Perkins 14 (2009)

Written by Axemaster on April 22 2011
Rating 7 out of 10

Director   -   Craig Singer


Patrick O'kane   -   Dwayne Hopper
Richard Brake   -   Ronald Perkins
Michale Gaves   -   Eric Ross
Michaela Mihut  -  Janine Hopper
Shayla Beesley  -   Daisy Hopper

  Hey there Horror Hounds ! Axemaster here , burning the midnight oil to bring you another terror treat from the silver screen !
"Dam It ! Cut myself shaving Again !!"
Tonights pick is a diamond in the rough ! Perkins 14 . This flick sports a cool plot , some great gore and nail biting tension ! Here's the story in a nutshell !!
This acne is a real BITCH !!! 
  The town of Stone Cove Maine (no Stephen King doesn't pop out of a grave yard or anything !! ) has a been mourning the loss of 14 of its children for 10 years . In a series of mysterious abductions , police were unable to solve the crimes and catch the evil fiend responsible . Officer Dwayne Hopper is haunted by the crimes . For good reason . His own son was among the 14 taken , and from under his nose while at home no less !(perhaps a few night school classes back at the old Police college eh !!?) Needless to say , Old Dwayne is Hopping mad ! (sorry couldn't resist !) And more than a bit obsessed with finding the culprit . Enter Ronald Perkins ! A mild mannered Pharmacist who's arrested after bolting from the police while being pulled over for a traffic violation . Hoppers son Kyle bit the hand of his kidnapper ten years earlier , and Perkins is missing a finger ! ( wow jaws like a Pitbiull on kyle !! ) Also , hopper discovers that Perkins was pulled over at the scene of the very first abduction , and its the tenth anniversary of the said first abduction , so naturally , Perkins is Hoppers man ! So Hopper calls his off duty Police buddy Hal to go to Perkins's residence and search it ! (Illegally of course ! where has our democracy gone ! !??) Hal , the hapless Bumble stick , discovers a secret room in Perkins's basement , and unleashes a world of hurt on the town of Stone Cove !!
  Meanwhile , Hoppers wife Janine is , ..ahh  at ..."Book Club " ! And his daughter Daisy is out losing her virginity at an isolated make out spot with an ugly bad haircut dude named Eric ! Officer Hopper must save his family and Stone Cove from a very energetic bunch of zombie like ghouls on the rampage!
"Look I know my hair cut is bad , but really !!"
  Director Craig Singer does a good job of bring the tension to life in Perkins 14 . He has had a bit of experience with the Scream Screen . In 2006 he took us on his "Dark Ride " and Perkins 14 is the same kind of lower budget , yet solid kind of film . Just the right amount of story chills and gore . What more can you ask for !?? Maybe not to end up like old Eric over on the right there Eh Fright fans !!
          MMoooHahahahahahahahah !!!!

Ghoulish Ain't It ?!  Ouch ! Thats gotta sting a bit there !
Maybe .. put some gauze on there .. put , put some presure on that .... or .. some Polysporin ...Something !

Okay Gore Geeks ! Until we meet in the Dungeon again !! Axemaster .. Out !