2012 (2009)

Written by Axemaster August 31 2011
Rating 7 out of 10

Director   -   Roland Emmerich

Cast
John Cusack    -    Jackson Curtis
Amanda Peet   -    Kate Curtis
Woody Harrelson  -  Charlie Frost
Danny Glover      -    President Thomas Wilson
Liam James        -     Noah Curtis
Morgan Lily      -     Lilly Curtis
Chiwetel Ejiofor  -  Adrian Helmsley




                           Hey there Fellow Fright Fans ! August of the Apocalypse has drawn to a close , and Axemaster's in the Dungeon with one last flick to see that you have a well laid out survival plan , should the world suddenly good for a Crap !! .................... 2012 !!!

"This is how Evil Knievel started !"

Its Campy ! Its Crazy !! Its full of Thrills !!! Here's the story line in a nut shell ......................

           The Flick opens with a scene of deepest space . We see the outer planets and Earth . We see the sun . From the sun , Giant Solar Flares are erupting ! (Its quite something for all you Star gazers !) . Cut to a scene in India , 2009 . We meet Dr Adrian Helmsley . He's a Geologist working on things for the government . Studying the earths crust and all that interesting stuff ! (Yawn !!) He's in India visiting his friend Dr. Satnam Tsurutani . He's an Astrophysicist , studying how the Earth is effected by the sun and its Solar Flares !!

"Great Balls Of Fire !"

  Dr. Tsurutani , tells Helmsley about the latest Solar flares recorded on the sun and says , they are the biggest in the history of our planet ! He takes Helmsley down into an old mine , where he studies the Earths core temperature . The Mine is eleven thousand feet deep !! Its quite hot down there , and Helmsley is shocked when Dr. Tsurutani shows him a water tank that goes another six thousand feet deeper ! The whole tank is boiling !! It seems that the sun puts out these particles called Neutrinos . Normally , they have no effect on good old Mother Earth . But now , the Neutrinos are mutating into a new kind of subatomic particle , and they're acting like Microwaves on the Earths core !! (Sheesh , the planet is one big Jiffy pop container !!)

"Stewardess !?? Any Peanuts left !!??"

     Thus the water in the mine shaft at seventeen thousand feet below
is ready to boil eggs !! Helmsley takes off with the news and crunches his own numbers! It seems that the Earths crust will Destabilize by , Yup , You Guessed It !!!! 2012 !!! He takes the info to the President of the United States and an international Top Secret Plan is put into play to save , well , anyone with a Billion Bucks to spare per Person !
( I'd have to break the old Piggy Bank open for that one folks !) There will be a lottery for the working class folks ( Got to have you servants in the new world ! Might not want to survive this one !!) for passage onto some giant Ships being built to save Humanity !! We see the beginning of construction on these ships in the mountains of Tibet , by the Chinese Army !

"Okay Yoda ! Show Me The Ways
Of The Force !!"

So much for buying North American made Eh !!? We see scenes of very rich people choking on the price of a ticket to safety ! We see Scenes of whistle blowers , who want to alert the planets population about the coming Apocalypse get whacked to keep them silent !!!
     Then , cut to the year , (Dun Da Da Dun !!) 2012 !!! We meet our Hero , Jackson Curtis ! He's a writer slash Limo driver , struggling with being a good Dad to his two kids ! They live with his ex wife Kate , who's shacked up with a plastic surgeon ! Jackson takes his kids Noah and Lilly on a camping trip to Yellow Stone Park . They want to visit a Lake that Jackson used to go to , but its fenced off by the military !! Hhhmmm  ?? Jackson hops the fence and takes a look any way ! ( Rebel ! A Man After My Own Heart !! )

" Legalize Pot Now Dam It
It's Almost Too Late !"

   They find the Lake ....... Dried up and steaming in the valley !! The army comes crashing in on Jackson and the Kids for being in a "Restricted Area" , and kick them out of the hot zone ! As they're hiking back to camp , they are stopped by an odd character , named Charlie ! Charlie asks them what the "Government" guys wanted , but Jackson doesn't want to talk to this strange hippy hiker and double times the kids away from him !  That night , back at the camp , Jackson puts the kids to bed , and notices that the neighbor in the Rv beside them is broadcasting a radio talk show , live from Yellow Stone !

"I'm Getting Too Old For this Shit !"

  He heads on over and discovers that the Hippy Charlie , is actually , Charlie Frost ! Host of a Weird Whacky radio show , dealing with conspiracy theory !! ( Art Bell anyone ? ) Charlie and Jackson drink a bunch of beers . Charlie fills Jackson in on the coming Apocalypse and tells him the end will start very soon !! He even has a map to where the "Government Guys" are building "Space Ships" !!!
Jackson , thanks Charlie for the beers and heads back to the tent . The next day . Kate and the plastic surgeon are out shopping in Los Angeles , and the store is ripped in half by an Earth Quake !! Kate freaks out and calls Jackson and tells him to get the kids home , as stranger and Stranger events begin to unfold ! Jackson and the kids come home to what they think is Safety . But it's 2012 Baby !! Safety has just been Cancelled !!!!
    Like I said , 2012 is Campy and a bit over the top ! John Cusack is literally running , driving or flying one step ahead of the ground splitting open behind him all the way through the flick ! But it is entertaining !! Director Roland Emmerich , That lover of deconstructing the Earth , keeps the action fast and furious throughout !
     So fright Fans Check this one out ! You might like it . Hap and I thought that it would be a fitting flick to end our August Of The Apocalypse reviews with ! If we missed any of your favorite Doomsday flicks in this round , feel free to drop us a line , here at the Dungeon and let us know which ones you'd like to see us review , next August , when we do , August Of The Apocalypse II !!!!!


                                      However , 2012 is fast approaching , so .......


                                                Lets hope there IS a Next August !!!!!!


                                                      This is Axemaster signing off ....... And Remember ........


                                                             Stay Scared !!